Relationships/friendships - when is it time to let go?

Do you remember your first friend/s as a child? I do, and we were good friends right up until the end of Year 9 in high school, and she stopped talking to me. I never found out why, and still wonder to this day.

That feeling of being abandoned by my then best friend never left me, ever.  To this day I still struggle to walk away, but it is getting a little easier. Why you ask? Because I have finally realised my self worth and well being is more important.  Granted I am 54 now, but it's better late than never.

So how do I know when being friends with someone is no longer healthy for me? When I feel empty, or sad, or get anxious at the thought of spending time with that person.  No matter how much of a caring, supportive person you might be, if how you feel around someone is not making you feel good about yourself, it's time.  There are no hard and fast rules about friendships, but every friendship should be about supporting each other.  It should also be about having similar morals and beliefs.  For me anyway.

If you struggle to support someone else, like really struggle, what is holding you back from walking away?  Will the world end tomorrow if you choose what's right for you? Not likely.  If the only thing holding you back is that you worry about how the other person will feel, don't let that stop you.

Why spend your own life trying to do what you think is right, for everyone else?

Be there for the most important person, you.

When is being loyal an unhealthy thing to do?

Are you like me? You know, someone who is blessed to have had friendships that have lasted for many years?  My longest friendship is still going strong after 30+ years.

My best friend and I have had our fair share of disagreements, and times where we didn't talk to each other, but we are still good friends and my loyalty to her is unwavering.

Now to my question.  When is being loyal an unhealthy thing to do?  When it is being loyal only because you have been friends with someone for a long time, and even if you don't feel the same way about the friend, for whatever reason, you remain friends because you feel you have to out of loyalty.

Are you happy continuing to be friends with someone that you don't feel the same way about?  And I'm not talking about in general here, yes as we grow a little older (I'm not willing to admit I'm old ok?), we do evolve and change our views, ideas etc, but a solid friendship weathers these changes.  Open honest communication helps.  If however, due to circumstances, you genuinely don't feel the same way about a friend anymore, regardless of how long you have been friends, it is always healthier to walk away if you are struggling to stay friends simply out of loyalty.

Some definitions of Loyalty include :

A way of showing support for a person or a thing

Making something or someone a priority and doing so in small and discrete but meaningful ways

Loyalty, in general use, is a devotion and faithfulness to a nation, cause, philosophy, country, group or a person.

The most important person to be loyal to first is yourself, and if something in your life makes you unhappy, make changes xox

Know a Narcissist?

I'm going to be honest here and say that I had never truly dealt with anyone who is a true narcissist and even though I knew this particular trait existed in people, never dreamt that I would experience it first hand.

Now before I tell you how it was, I am far from perfect and know I have my faults.  One of my big ones is becoming horribly defensive when I'm being bullied.  Bullying is one of my biggest pet hates, and narcissism is a fine balance between bullying and manipulating.

There are varying degrees of narcissism but they all have one thing in common.  The need to control a situation, with no real regard for the outcome as long as it's in their favour, with the outcome showing them as a good person.

Narcissists lack empathy but will constantly try and convince you that they are very empathetic.  Through manipulation, both mentally and emotionally, they will manage to wear you down into believing that they really are nice and caring.  In their defence, they probably really do believe that they are an empathetic person but there are clear warning signs that prove otherwise.

It can be soul destroying and takes time to move forward. But I did move forward and I feel like I have become an even better person as a result.

Be your own cheer squad

I have been reflecting a lot lately and realised that I have lost confidence in myself, in general, with everything I am doing in my life.

While that sounds bad, it's been a good thing because it has forced me to start focusing on how to become my own cheer squad again.  What's that you ask?  Good question.

Imagine when you were  a child, let's say you were part of a sports team.  And you had people on the sideline, cheering you on while you played.  Those people were most likely your parents.  And they were your own personal cheer squad.  Supporting you, motivating you and making sure you believed in yourself.  So as an adult, what changes?

As children we have a blank slate that has no judgement, no criticism and usually very positive support, so our belief in ourself is not clouded by any outside influences.

As an adult, over the years, I have gone through so many different experiences including relationship break downs, losing friends to illnesses etc that it's inevitable I will have changed.  Sadly with these changes my confidence in my own abilities became so minimal that I hit a point where I thought I was of no use to anyone anymore.

I needed to take a moment to stop and think.  Think about all my achievements and everything I am blessed to currently have in my life.  I needed to realise that it's ok if I don't reach all the goals I had originally planned, as long as I don't quit entirely.

If I'm not prepared to support myself, who else is going to?  I have to be my own support system, I know myself better than anyone else, I know what I need.  I know what I'm capable of.  I know my fears and doubts.

I have this quirky visualisation of me running up and down the sideline, while another me is on that playing field.  I'm cheering me on, while the game I am playing is called life.

In an unhealthy friendship?

I've struggled over the last few years to let friends go, and I couldn't quite figure out why.

I knew that I didn't feel the same way about that person, I knew that I didn't enjoy their company anymore, yet I couldn't bring myself to walk away.

I lay in bed one night thinking about the friendships I had walked away from, and the reasons why.  I slept on those thoughts and the next morning it dawned on me, literally!

My loyalty to the people I had in my life was over riding everything.  My morals, my beliefs, everything.  I was working so hard to maintain my loyalty to these people, that I wasn't being true to myself.  I was trying to be a good person, which I think I am, yet I was letting down the person who mattered the most.  Myself.

I'm 53 and am relieved to say that I'm still learning life lessons and that's ok, it really is.

It's ok to walk away from people that don't belong in your life anymore.  It doesn't make you a bad person.  While your actions might hurt someone initially, in the long term you are doing both of you a huge favour.  

By being true to yourself, you are giving your absolute best to the world.

Worst blogger ever!

I started my blog with the best intentions and although I had all the motivation in the world, I have still faltered.

I need to get back on track...........

Second lease of life

Things are slowly coming together after my mammoth house move and one of the biggest changes I've noticed is how much brighter and more active my dog is.  She has just recently celebrated her 15th birthday (complete with a party) and even though her heart is failing, and she is on two lots of medication twice a day, you would never guess.

My friends who live in the main house have a lovely dog and a really cool cat, both of whom keep Logan entertained and on the move more.  She regularly moves back and forth between my flat and the house and it shows.

Her latest vet check up indicated that there is no crackling in her lungs, her blood pressure is good and her heart rate is acceptable for her age and condition.

Life is good 💜